Lost. That's how I feel. I feel lost without a map or a light to guide me. Why do I always feel like the odd man out - the one person that never has anything figured out or planned? This is my dilemma: I want to do everything, I don't have enough time to do everything, I want to choose a college major and career that really helps me live out my passions and talents in the best and most successful way...but I lack that courage and motivation to take that giant, first step. Now don't get me wrong, I would definitely love to pursue and achieve a degree in something that would help me climb the ladder of success and wealth in the business world, but what I truly want is to be a wife and a mother. I may sound lame or even stereotypical, but that's honestly all I want to do for the rest of my life. I know that my vocation in life is marriage, and through the grace of God I trust that He will provide me with a man that will be a good husband and father that can lead our family in a Christ-centered way. And although I do trust God with my life, I really struggle with letting Him do things in His timing.
My current struggle is just getting a steady hold on what I can do with my life before marriage. I am in the process of changing my major for a second time, and I don't know which way to go. I am working nearly full time Monday through Friday, and in addition to that I am also job shadowing for an internship through a business, babysitting some days, and trying to balance the rest of my social, physical and spiritual needs. And although I feel like I have my life together at times, I always feel like I'm falling short in one way or another. I find myself saying at the end of my shifts "just ---- many hours until I can go home, and ---- many days until I'm done for the week", I am constantly reassuring myself that I can make it through another day or week of work and whatnot, but I don't feel entirely happy. And although I definitely don't feel the immense amount of stress and anxiety that I did when I was in school, I feel like no matter how much extra I made on my paycheck, or how much fun I had that day, I am still unsatisfied. And I believe that not only is this gap in my life fixable, but this gap in my life is God telling me what's missing in my life right now: Him. God is already in my life, but I have definitely felt a spiritual dryness lately and I'm really trying to find my fix in Christ. I personally struggle with anxiety, and it's a very hard cross to bear because it is extremely unpredictable and makes me feel helpless and out of control of my own body and emotions. Although I wish that I didn't have this burden in my life, 1 Peter 5:7 tells us "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." and I have found so much peace in this verse because I have come to realize that no matter how hectic and stressful my life can get, Christ is always by my side, bearing that cross alongside of me. Although I know that I can't make an entire habit change overnight, I am definitely trying my best to make an effort to pray more as I work through the day and really dedicating my day and life to God, especially if I feel stressed or overwhelmed. This new habit of prayer, I hope and pray, is the mustard seed in my life that will continue to grow. Although I have a long way to go, I know that God is by my side and guiding me as long as I trust in His plans for me. Lastly, for those of you who are sitting and reading this and hoping to continue with or want to begin to better yourselves not only for your personal peace of heart and mind, but also to prepare yourself for your future spouse, read this verse often and let it rest on your weary heart. This verse has not only been an encouragement to me for my plans for the future, but it has given me the faith to take the first step, no matter how difficult and small that first step may be. Zechariah 4:10 "Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin".