Wednesday, September 30, 2015

life without a map

Lost. That's how I feel. I feel lost without a map or a light to guide me. Why do I always feel like the odd man out - the one person that never has anything figured out or planned? This is my dilemma: I want to do everything, I don't have enough time to do everything, I want to choose a college major and career that really helps me live out my passions and talents in the best and most successful way...but I lack that courage and motivation to take that giant, first step. Now don't get me wrong, I would definitely love to pursue and achieve a degree in something that would help me climb the ladder of success and wealth in the business world, but what I truly want is to be a wife and a mother. I may sound lame or even stereotypical, but that's honestly all I want to do for the rest of my life. I know that my vocation in life is marriage, and through the grace of God I trust that He will provide me with a man that will be a good husband and father that can lead our family in a Christ-centered way. And although I do trust God with my life, I really struggle with letting Him do things in His timing.
    My current struggle is just getting a steady hold on what I can do with my life before marriage. I am in the process of changing my major for a second time, and I don't know which way to go. I am working nearly full time Monday through Friday, and in addition to that I am also job shadowing for an internship through a business, babysitting some days, and trying to balance the rest of my social, physical and spiritual needs. And although I feel like I have my life together at times, I always feel like I'm falling short in one way or another. I find myself saying at the end of my shifts "just ---- many hours until I can go home, and ---- many days until I'm done for the week", I am constantly reassuring myself that I can make it through another day or week of work and whatnot, but I don't feel entirely happy. And although I definitely don't feel the immense amount of stress and anxiety that I did when I was in school, I feel like no matter how much extra I made on my paycheck, or how much fun I had that day, I am still unsatisfied. And I believe that not only is this gap in my life fixable, but this gap in my life is God telling me what's missing in my life right now: Him. God is already in my life, but I have definitely felt a spiritual dryness lately and I'm really trying to find my fix in Christ. I personally struggle with anxiety, and it's a very hard cross to bear because it is extremely unpredictable and makes me feel helpless and out of control of my own body and emotions. Although I wish that I didn't have this burden in my life, 1 Peter 5:7 tells us "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." and I have found so much peace in this verse because I have come to realize that no matter how hectic and stressful my life can get, Christ is always by my side, bearing that cross alongside of me. Although I know that I can't make an entire habit change overnight, I am definitely trying my best to make an effort to pray more as I work through the day and really dedicating my day and life to God, especially if I feel stressed or overwhelmed. This new habit of prayer, I hope and pray, is the mustard seed in my life that will continue to grow. Although I have a long way to go, I know that God is by my side and guiding me as long as I trust in His plans for me. Lastly, for those of you who are sitting and reading this and hoping to continue with or want to begin to better yourselves not only for your personal peace of heart and mind, but also to prepare yourself for your future spouse, read this verse often and let it rest on your weary heart. This verse has not only been an encouragement to me for my plans for the future, but it has given me the faith to take the first step, no matter how difficult and small that first step may be. Zechariah 4:10 "Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin".

a beautiful friendship

You know, people say you don't know a good thing until it's gone...but that's not the case with me and my best friend. The problem today with the title "best friend" is that it's thrown around so loosely that it has lost its specialness for the most part, but not in my case. My best friend has far more than earned her title, and I am so proud to call her mine. 
   It's funny how God knows your exact needs, even before you do. I didn't think I needed anyone new in my life until I met my best friend (I will refer to her as "A" for now). A didn't particularly seem anyone unusually amazing when I first met her, yet when I came home from meeting her at a party, I had this burning feeling deep inside that I just *had* to be her friend. And that's exactly what happened. Although the beginning of our friendship wasn't exactly ideal, we somehow got through the awkwardness of becoming good friends via texting and eventually that formed enough of a bond so that when we began spending time together in person it just felt right.
   Fast forward a year and here we are. Now don't begin to think that this isn't a real friendship just because it's only a year old, we still have all of our lives ahead of us to grow closer to each other...and we will! In the past year A has taught me what it's like to be vulnerable. She has taught me how to be humble, and how to accept criticism without getting upset. She has taught me how not to take things or people for granted - especially those closest to me. She has taught me how to face my fears. She has taught me how to be confident. Most importantly, she has taught me how to love.
   Now, the latter lesson A taught me ("how to love") wasn't just a lesson I learned in one sitting, it was quite the opposite. As a matter of fact, her mere existence and presence in my life helped me to overcome some painful things in my life that I couldn't seem to let go of until she came along - an indirect result of her love for me. Now, when I say that she taught me to love, I don't mean that I didn't know how to love before I met her, she simply taught me how I give and receive my love most effectively. She and I both are very needy when it comes to quality time with each other, and that's beneficial in the way that we are both very happy and content in each other's presence. The mere presence of A by my side gives me such peace and happiness and fills my heart with joy. I never thought I could love someone so immensely (future husband, prepare yourself) and yet this love for her just keeps growing! 
   The more I think about my relationship with A, the more I believe that her relationship with me is necessary preparation for when I'm dating the man I'm destined to marry. For example, A and I are both very strong-willed and stubborn individuals, we both like to stick to our own ideas and we really do tend to butt heads on various things. Although this is annoying at times, it is good preparation for marriage because she and I always have to work things out between us because we know that we want our friendship to last forever. Likewise in marriage, my husband and I will have to come to agreements on things that we may not see eye to eye on. 
    When someone asks me to tell them about A I get extremely excited because she honestly fills me with an immense amount of happiness! Everything from her adorable, shy smile to her beautiful, dark, curly hair is so easy to love and admire and I can't ever get enough of her sassy personality. She and I crack jokes and puns all the time and we have too many inside jokes to count. She makes me forget to look at my phone when I'm with her - something no one else has managed to do. She makes being a nerd a even more fun, because two (us) is better than one. And she makes me look forward to my future because I wouldn't want any other girl by my side for the rest of my life.
   As a takeaway thought from this post - think about who you value most in your life and why? Think about the things they say or do that you absolutely adore and let those things be the reason you forgive their mistakes and the reason you can't stop loving them deeper and deeper every day.   
"Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter: whoever finds one has found a treasure. Faithful friends are beyond price; no amount can balance their worth. Faithful friends are life-saving medicine; and those who fear the Lord will find them. Those who fear the Lord direct their friendship aright, for as they are, so are their neighbors also." Sirach 6:14-17

Thursday, November 21, 2013

something about love.

 Okay, so today’s post is actually something that I found in my "thoughts on life" journal that I wrote this past summer. I don’t know exactly what prompted me to write this, but I thought I would share this with you in hopes that you will be inspired, or that this will speak to you in some way!


If you desire to be loved, you must commit yourself to do whatever it takes to become an ideal lover.
For, self sacrifice carves a path to a healthy and happy relationship.
Trust in a relationship is just as important because when one trusts someone with their heart and inmost feelings, you have a dependence on that trust that they will not betray you. For, each time the heart is betrayed and broken, it becomes more difficult to mend and rebuild that trust with someone else.
When you are conversing with a lover, you must keep in mind that words can be taken too seriously, or not seriously enough. You must make a direct effort to tell them exactly how you feel about things, putting extra emphasis on how you feel. Be mindful, too, that by expressing one’s opinion too excessively it can stress the relationship because of perhaps, too much negativity. Voice instead your love for things – whether it is the outfit they are wearing, or the food selection for dinner. By doing this you can add a positive personality to the conversation and your dislikes will soon become obvious.
Displaying your affection is important. Not in a way that will make others uncomfortable, but rather the way that you present yourself to them, and the way that you treat them. For example, if they don’t like doing the dishes, do the dishes as a self sacrifice for love of them. This will soon become a habit which will in turn, reward your relationship with a continuation of love and desire of happiness not only for yourself, but for them as well.
 Treating them with respect is very necessary because even thought they may, in a sense, be yours, respecting them as both a lover and a person shows that even though you have something special, showing them off as a sort of trophy is not be the best idea. Instead, treating them in a respectful manner is more appropriate. You should never lower your standards and morals in order to meet the demands of our society or a lover. Instead, keep your standards high and enjoy your time while waiting for “the one”. The greatest things in life always come to those who wait.
Continuous admiration of your lover slowly becomes a habit of love. These admirations do not have to be spoken, but just the simplicity of a secret admiration can slowly build your love into an even greater one. 


  "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." - Ephesians 4:2